It's a BoyGirl Glee Club
by dirtytrix
Summary: The glee club throw caution to the wind and their no alcohol pledge and throw a party to welcome Kurt home to McKinley, but when they wake up the next morning as opposite genders they have to check they're sober. CRACK FIC. Rated M for lang/awkward smut.
1. Prologue

Welcome to my new Puckleberry Crack Fic.

This is to fill a prompt on the glee crack meme over on livejournal. Linked on my profile. But it became a little bit more when I was writing it and so I'm posting it here.

_WORDS OF WARNING:_ Other than the usual I don't own glee hoopla I should also mention this is very crackish. Just... yeah. Head's up, you may want to check normality at the door.

Look it's a freaking gender swap story. It's not meant to be sensible. Did I not mention that? Hells yeah. GENDER SWAP.

And yeah this is the prologue. Later chapters will be in POV.

**-THE PARTY-**

The party had been held in honor of Kurt returning to McKinley and as such was held in the Hudson-Hummel basement (it helped that Burt and Carol would be taking a belated honeymoon). Puck would tell you despite the lack of parents, the venue didn't matter. The booze mattered.

Despite the alcohol pledge they'd all signed until nationals there had been an unwritten addendum to the rule that if at such a time a glee club member returned from exile then they all could, and should, have a alcohol fueled welcome home party.

Well the rule had been unwritten for everyone except Rachel who has protested loudly citing their preparation for nationals. It had taken some convincing but eventually she'd come around. The majority of the club, save the person who had convinced her, had been only slightly curious when she'd arrived at the next glee meeting with nothing further to add other than her excitement for the party and the hope that there would be wine coolers.

With Rachel on board the arrangements for alcohol were underway. Puck oversaw the job like he was leading some military operation and at one point actually insisted that Santana and Brittany salute him. Brittany did.

He'd got the beer from both his private stash and a 'friend' with a fake ID. He'd then directed Santana and Brittany to the 7-11. It had nothing to do with him not actually being allowed on the property anymore, he simply said that _Boobs McGee_ and _Blonde Boobs_ would have a easier time convincing middle aged men to buy hard liquor.

Mike had stifled a laugh when Artie mused about it being one of the perks of having boobs, which earned Mike a slap upside his head from Tina.

So in all of a week the glee club had planned a party with more alcohol than Rachel's dads liquor cabinet and the addition of a few Dalton boys at Kurt's request.

The party itself was wilder, louder and longer than Rachel's basement soiree. Mercedes had pointed out that more people equalled more fun before she had a few more drinks and spent the rest of the night giggling. Before Rachel drank enough that she forgot her own name she'd commented on how un-dapper the Dalton boys were in the presence of alcohol.

That was before she was grinding against one of the "un-dapper" boys as they danced.

Puck had disappeared around that time, nobody questioned where or why when he got back as they'd assumed he simply had his tongue somewhere.

Eventually the party had winded down. That Dalton boys, all seemed to leave together or at least around the same time, dragging Blaine with them who seemed to want to cling to Kurt's arm. Kurt despite his blushing was glad they'd taken him as he didn't want their first argument to be a drunken one over Blaine messing up his shirt. Artie was picked up by his father who had insisted his son could not stay the night. He seemed to regret the decision when Artie proceeded to rap 'Baby Got Back' loudly in the car as they left. Tina and Mercedes left together as Tina was both their designated driver and staying at Mercedes house. In a rare moment of drunken somberness Mercedes had reminded Tina that Mercedes mother would smack her down like the hand of God if they stayed out all night. Lauren had left early anyway as she had a wrestling match the next day although drunk Santana had commented (luckily for her after Lauren left) that it was just a matter of time before she quit glee since Lauren and Puck had exchanged words pertaining to being better friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.

The rest of New Directions however had stayed, in small part because they were too drunk to drive and any designated drivers had long since left. Brittany suggested a movie marathon and Mike had chanted 'Die Hard' over and over again. It actually made the cut after drunk Rachel proclaimed that they should watch it because "Bruce Willis still looked awesome back then" and while Puck and Finn had nearly choked on their beers at that comment Santana had seconded the choice and said that drunk Rachel was actually fun.

This had lead to Kurt insisting on choosing the second movie since he would be forced to watch the initial testosterone fest.

That's how they'd ended up asleep hours later, a few more drinks in their system, watching 'A Boy Girl Thing' and curled up on various beds, sofas and piles of blankets in the Hudson-Hummel basement.


	2. The Morning After The Night Before

_**-A/N-**_

So I gave the first chapter a shot.

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

*obligatory don't own glee bullcrap*

Also this chapter is Pucks POV. It's tending to lean towards him thinking of himself in his original gender (so a 'he') but he'll talk/think about others as their new gender. Eventually though he accepts himself, at least temporarily, as his new gender and then everyone will hold hands and sing a song. It's glee after all. But for now, come on hows abouts giving him some time to adjust to the pronouns huh?

(After this chapter they'll pretty much all be talking and thinking about each other in new pronouns e.g. Rachels a 'he', Pucks a 'she' etc etc). Also I'm not re reading this for errors again because the pronouns are hurting my eyes. _PUBLISH._

_**-THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE/PUCK-**_

He opened his eyes slowly wondering how the fuck a basement was this bright in the morning? And he seemed to be the first one noticing it as there were no other sounds in the room other than some light snoring.

Fuck, he hated mornings.

His eyes had barely adjusted before he noticed something was up. Or more like something that was normally up at this time in the morning seemed to be missing altogether.

And even if the long hair falling down the sides of his face was just like a wig or some joke his mind was playing on him it would be a cold day in hell before Puck missed a pair of boobs.

More specifically boobs, on his chest, under his shirt.

Same shirt he had on yesterday and if he could tear his eyes away from his chest he'd notice he was in the same jeans and boots and the same seat but with boobs. Actual boobs. He slowly lifted the material of his tee as if it was going to be some prank and the boobs were actually balloons filled with paint or something but even before his eyes saw the very real boobs that currently belonged to him he noticed _little_ things. Like his new little hand that reached to lift up his tee, his tee that was too big for his now little shoulders.

In fact when Puck did finally stop ogling his new goodies he noticed his new body. His new little body that legit had curves. He's got curves and boobs and, fuck, his arms. The guns are gone.

Suddenly blind panic and a realization from earlier hits him and his new tiny girl hand grabs desperately for his now very empty boxers through his jeans. Yep, got one of those too. Or not got one of those?

Fuck.

He's a chick. Or she's a chick? He's a she now right? Wait.

HE'S A FUCKING SHE.

What the fuck?

He's so engrossed in his self discovery that it takes a girly scream from the corner to even remind him other people are in the room.

And that's when he looks up at the strangers currently scattered in the Hudson Hummel basement. It's all fucked up, not one of them is who they were yesterday, including the hot chick in the corner screaming into a mirror. The hot chick in the familiar button down shirt that's drowning her... wait.

"Hudson?", Puck blurts out as he stands up, not noticing the hyperventilating dude next to him on the sofa but paying attention to how girly his voice now sounds.

Just ignore the fact that you thought Hudson was hot Puckerman, just ignore it.

Finn whips her(?) head around and her eyes widen. "Puck?"

Then Puck remembers what he looks like because apparently he forgot, since 30 seconds ago, that he's traded in his balls.

"Dude, Puckerman's a chick and I have a wang now? This is too awesome", says the smirking Latina guy in the corner who he can only assume is Santana. Even as a dude he'd know her shit eating grin anywhere.

Ignoring the fact that Santana seems too pleased with herself... himself and his new dick, Puck takes the time to sweep around the room, sneaking glances at his new boobs as he does, for good measure. He needs to ignore Hudson anyway, who instead of screaming again is now just staring at herself with her mouth wide open while she touches herself up like it'll make any difference.

He notices the asian chick still curled up asleep in a sleeping bag and at this point he's just gonna go ahed and assume it's Mike. There's also a blonde dude snoring peacefully next to Satan who he's pretty sure is probably Brittany.

He's about to make a comment towards the sobbing blonde dude on the beanbag to man up no matter how much he knows it'll annoy Quinn when he hears a almost unchanged voice behind him, "how did this happen?"

That's when Puck spins around and damn, if he thought Hudson was... no Puckerman. Get your head together. Hummel is not hot. She's not hot. In fact, he's pretty sure it's just the boobs anyway.

Wait what?

He actually doesn't care as his eyes bug out his head going between his own chest and Kurt's. This can't be right. He's not even worried about being a girl for a second just, shit, how has Kurt got a bigger rack than him?

Seriously he was a well equipped dude, there's gotta be some sort of mistake or something or...

"This isn't, like, relative to anything", Puck says motioning between their chests.

Apparently Kurt catches on to what he means because she just rolls her eyes, "only you would be worried about that".

That's when Satan opens his big mouth, "you should be lady boy, you're gonna need a industrial strength bra for those extra large sweater puppies".

Puck appreciates the horror on Hummels face as she looks down at her boobs.

Finally Kurt gets it, it's obvious that he, she... that Puck should have the biggest boobs.

The understanding is broken when Kurt practically screeches, "my new Marc Jacobs shirt is being stretched beyond repair!" And shit, if Puck thought Kurt could reach high notes before? Fuck. The sound coming out of her now is insane. He puts his fingers in his ears as Kurt practically rips the shirt open to save it, then realizes that she doesn't have a bra on and that she now has boobs.

It's fucking weird when it ends up all the girls in the room being the ones who stare.

The girls and of course Santana who shouts, "now you're just showing off".

Kurt wraps the fabric quickly back over herself eyes wide as Puck just grins. Then he realizes he just got a eyeful of Hummel's bigger than his boobs. Then he realizes that he has his own pair anyway.

Then it hits him like a fucking train again. Fuck. I'm a chick. I'm not a he, I'm a she.

I need to start thinking like a she and maybe figuring the fuck out why I've got a serious case of no dick.

His... her. He's a her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Santana in the corner, "as much as I wanna figure out you know, why I'm sitting here with a hard on, can we sort something out with the clothing situation. Because my underwear alone was not chosen yesterday knowing that it'd be housing some new equipment today".

Pucks not the only one who shudders at that while Santana squirms uncomfortably.

"We've all apparently changed genders and you're worried about your thong?", Quinn the raging blonde dude jumps up with a healthy dose of bitch over his face.

"What do you suggest?", Satan asks challengingly, "because if we're gonna figure this out I'd at least rather be comfortable".

And suddenly a dude stands up from the sofa that Puck was sitting on, "I agree. The pronouns are mind boggling enough. If we're going to solve this I'd at least rather be in suitable attire".

Puck should be thinking about how ridiculous Rachel looks as a dude in yesterdays pink dress thing with it's frills and shit.

But somehow the only thing that springs to mind as Puck watches Berry agree with Satan is: fucking shit. She got my fucking guns.


	3. A Little Help Here

_**-A/N-**_

Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games.

*obligatory don't own glee bullcrap*

Rachel chapter. More specifically Rachel and his penis chapter.

This chapter picks up where the last one ended and yeah they're all in the right pronouns now. They all talk and think of themselves and each other properly. God damn you gender swap. At this point I'm just publishing this because if I read or edit the smut in this chapter any more then I'll end up just taking it out.

Also hello reviewers. I see you there reviewing and alerting and shit. For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It seems like a impossible dream that humans are reading this and actually finding some merit enough to review or come back and read more so play on playas. Play on.

_**-A LITTLE HELP HERE/RACHEL-**_

"I agree. The pronouns are mind boggling enough. If we're going to solve this I'd at least rather be in suitable attire".

It seemed to be the first moment they'd all got a look at him, or at least they were acting that way from the silence in the room. Rachel was very aware of the stares but stood strong. He wasn't sure that he looked anymore ridiculous than the rest of them. Or maybe it was the height gain, granted he hadn't risen to Finn altitudes but he was at least 5ft 11.

_He._

Although he had conceded to thinking of himself as a he was it didn't stop the scowl Rachel was fairly sure sat on his face whenever he used the correct pronoun.

"And where do you suggest I get a industrial strength bra?", Kurt asked the room still slightly flushed from his previous exposure.

Santana laughed as he quickly shed his tiny strapped top and now useless bra, throwing the latter to Kurt, "here lady lips. It's the only one in this room big enough"

Kurt caught the material with a gasp and Rachel wasn't sure if it was the sudden bra flying towards her face or Santana's brazen attitude to being shirtless.

"This is ridiculous", Quinn announced with a certain amount of defeat in his voice.

"What else do you suggest Q? Because that dress really isn't working for you right now", Santana spat back.

Rachel watched the exchange with mild concern for the previous violence between the two ex cheerios. He could only imagine that they could do a lot more damage with their new male physiques.

"I think you should all call me Brian", Brittany interjected as she woke up fully. And the tension between the two was eased just as quickly as it surfaced as Santana turned to smile at the newly woken Blonde.

"While I agree clothing doesn't seem high on the agenda you must concede that if we are to solve this we can't go out like this?", Rachel asked Quinn imploringly while motioning to his own ill fitting clothes.

Quinn looked up from his seat aghast, "I'm not going out like this. Like... a man".

Rachel was fairly sure the snort came from behind him.

"You can hardly stay in this basement forever and it does seem likely that whatever has happened to us will reverse without proper investigation" he reasoned.

"Oh god, my parents. They can't see me like this", came a voice from behind him and Rachel turned to find Mike had now woken and had horror etched upon her face.

"Let's just sort out clothes first", Kurt said and Rachel found himself slightly envious that Kurt and Finn would be without parents for the next 2 weeks. "We need to switch, at least for now", Kurt reasoned.

"There are more girls than boys", Finn mumbled from her new spot curled up in the corner.

"I'll wear my own clothes, my fashion has no gender", Kurt threw in before she picked up the bra and left the room quickly which Rachel suspected was due to residue embarrassment.

Her sudden exit left a awkward silence over the room that no one seemed to want to break until, "No offense Rachel but I'm not wearing that".

He narrowed his eyes at Finn who shrugged her shoulders as if to say 'I said no offense'. Her declaration however seemed to open the floodgates as the room buzzed with everyone talking quickly to each other comparing rough sizes of clothes and apparently buddying up.

Rachel turned to sit back down next the the strangely quiet female Puck who hadn't spoken in a good 10 minutes.

"Noah?", he asked carefully.

She seemed to be lost in thought and voicing her inner monologue as she spoke, "it just doesn't make sense".

"I know but we will figure it out", he said placing a hand gingerly on her back.

"But I don't get it".

"I don't think any of us does", Rachel replied feeling a nice change of pace talking to just one person rather than a room full, for the first time since waking up a man, even if Puck was uncharacteristically worried.

"I mean how does Hummel have a bigger rack than me?", she asked sincerely turning to look at him as she did.

Rachel nodded dumbly until the words sank in, "what?"

"Doesn't make any sense. I was a well equipped dude you'd think it'd relate or something".

"You're telling me that you've woken up this morning, the opposite gender to that which you were born, and you're currently worried about the size of your new breasts?", Rachel felt a familiar agitation rise in his throat as he spoke to a suddenly very characteristic and infuriating Puck.

"Yo Puckerman. You can buddy with Berry. You look like her old size", Santana interrupted and Rachel looked over to see him winking at Noah as he mimed breasts.

Noah simply groaned next him and Rachel couldn't help the reflexive slap to her arm, "Noah Puckerman. I'll have you know that my... your... that our breasts were and are a perfectly acceptable size and I'll also remind you that **_you_** didn't seem to mind them since I constantly had to stop you trying to manhandle them".

"Watch it, you can't go hitting girls you know. 's like rule number one", she said rubbing her arm with a smirk and Rachel almost slapped her again because apparently the Puckerman grin had defied the gender swap.

"Let's get this over with", he said with a huff marching towards the bathroom before throwing a, "Noah and I will be changing in here" to the room.

He heard Noah follow him in but neglected to turn and look at her as Rachel had become distracted by the mirror attached the the wall. He was currently staring into it with wide eyes.

He, Rachel Berry has large, muscular arms.

He poked one of them through the pink fabric he was wearing, as if the action might deflate it, but the muscle simply bounced back into place.

"You wanna watch where you point those things".

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked.

"Your guns, they're fully loaded", she replied with a twinge of what Rachel thought might be jealousy.

Rachel stared at his arms in the mirror for only another second, "yes my arms are quite lovely", before he proceeded to attempt to shimmy out of the pink dress that he was sure was cutting into his new large muscles.

Rachel may have been concentrating but he still caught Noah's eye roll, "turn around".

He obeyed as he felt her hands begin to unzip the dress.

"You know this is a big deal for a dude, like, having a chick undress you. You should appreciate it".

"I hardly think I'll be worrying about that", Rachel replied matter of factly as he began shimmying the dress off.

"Awww don't be like that. Don't you think I'm hot?" she asked pouting as she yanked her tee above her head with apparently none or little care regarding her braless breasts.

"I don't think that's appropriate or... NOAH!" he interrupted himself shocked as he looked up from the floor, now in nothing but matching white cotton underwear, to see a topless and soon to be bottomless female Puckerman. "Do you have no shame?"

He stared at her for a moment before another grin spread across Pucks face and she laughed although it came out more of a giggle, "not really but I guess I got a answer to my question anyway huh Rach?"

Rachel followed her gaze down to his new crotch before realizing what she was talking about and then himself screaming.

"You two ok in there?", came a female voice through the door that was harder to place without a face along with it.

"Yeah", Puck shouted back stifling more laughter, "just shocked at how hot I am".

They both heard a groan through the door before whoever it was walked away while Rachel desperately pleaded with her, "what do I do? I can't go out there like this".

"You need to take care of your business", she said with laughter in her voice.

"Take care of...? Noah you can't expect me to...to...?" he asked in a hushed tone.

She shrugged, "Choke the chicken? Yeah, you better get used to it if you can't control yourself around a hot piece of ass like me".

Rachel wanted to slap her again but apparently it was rule number one and it didn't help that he was quite literally frozen in place by his new found erection. A erection that he mused probably felt more uncomfortable due to the female underwear he was still wearing. His predicament apparently didn't deter Puck from undressing further as she was now in nothing but boxers, which themselves looked in danger of falling from her new feminine hips, "sometime today Rach, I kinda need your underwear. Bra at least"

Rachel couldn't help feeling that Puck was enjoying this, however he couldn't stop himself from practically whispering, "what do I... how?"

Because Rachel Berry was a good girl. A good girl who was yet to enjoy more than grinding in that area so had hardly touched one let alone...

...well he was a good boy now but the point remained the same.

Puck stared at him for a moment which only served to irritate Rachel further. He was growing steadily frustrated by the lack of help and not knowing what knowing what Puck was thinking, as well as the fact that he had a erection and wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it.

"Fuck. I haven't even got a dick anymore and I still gotta jack off".

Before Rachel could say anything further Puck had crossed the small amount of space between them and carefully lifted the underwear off of what Rachel was dubbing his 'reflex erection'. The cotton fell to his ankles as Puck looked seriously into his eyes for a minute, "watch and learn".

"No, Noah you don't have to... oh"

Rachel couldn't see his own face as they were just out sight from the mirror now but he was fairly sure that as Pucks hand swiped the pre cum from the tip of his new penis, his face was a mix of horror, shame and relief, because as she began running her hand up and down in a steady rhythm Rachel realized why the male population enjoyed this and why they did it regularly.

He couldn't bear to look at her face as she worked and he wondered only for a second what was going through her mind before he allowed his head to fall back as Puck twisted her hand and muttered, "'s all in the wrist", despite the situation Rachel was fairly sure he heard her chuckling as she said it.

Rachel felt a unfamiliar like a build up of pressure as Puck picked up the pace and a groan involuntarily escaped his throat that apparently alerted Puck to grab a tissue with her spare hand.

Then all at once a wave of relief like he could never have imagined took over and the grunt that accompanied it probably expressed it more coherently that his words could at that moment.

It was only as he finally looked down and saw Puck discarding the used tissues that the door opened and Santana marched in, "seriously what is taking you two so long to...".

Santana trailed off as he noticed Rachel in nothing but a empty bra with a large grin helplessly thrown across his face and Puck slam dunking the used tissue into the small bathroom bin.

"Knock much?", Puck asked unfazed.

"5 minutes Puckerman. 5 minutes and you're already a slut", he dissolved into cursing in Spanish as he turned and exited the room again, slamming of the door as he left.

Rachel felt a blush rise over his cheeks as he kicked the forgotten underwear from his ankles and attempted to thank her. "Erm... I guess I should... ahem...".

Puck apparently found the situation hilarious as she shed the boxers and laughed, "first one's free, next time you gotta buy me dinner first".

Rachel's eyes simply widened in horror as he scooped up the discarded male clothes and hurried to as far away in the corner as possible to pull them all on.

He had just been masturbated to orgasm by a female Puck. He was quite sure the common term was hand job.

Rachel Berry just received a hand job from Noah Puckerman.

If Puck had said anymore lewd comments then they fell on deaf ears as Rachel put every effort into not looking or listening to her for fear of dying of embarrassment. However eventually they were both dressed and Puck stood next to the closed door in Rachels pink dress with a raised eyebrow on her smug face, "not even gonna hold the door open for me? And there I was thinking you were all manners".

Rachel actually rose his hand to slap her arm again before remembering and pulling back. "While I appreciate your help to... become accustomed to the functionality of my new body you do not need to make this any harder than it already is".

"Why would I make it harder? I told you _only_ the first one was free", she pulled the door open herself and winked before leaving Rachel to slowly realize the meaning of her words and storm after her angrily.

"Noah Pucker..."

"Who knew that man Berry would be such a little horn dog? Or not so little as I saw", Santana interrupted as he walked past him with a pat on the back, "but cool it down Berry, you can defile our sweet innocent little Puckerman later".

Rachel blushed into the room of teenagers now almost all of whom were in correct clothing and most of whom were sniggering in their direction.

"I feel so used", Puck smirked as she sat down laughing along with a few of the others.

Rachel shook his head towards her. Oh two can play this game.

"Are you just jealous that I'm bigger than you used to be?"

The splutters almost made it worth while being walked in on post orgasm.


	4. Girls Stuff Is Easy

_**-A/N-**_

This chapter is brought to you by lightspeed briefs.

Let's not talk about how long it took me to write this sub par chapter. And let's also not talk about how sub par the chapter is. In fact let's all focus on the last line and how wonderful I find it.

My dear reviewers. You are so very dear to me and do not think that you aren't. I cannot remember if I've been replying privately to them. Not that it's been a long time or anything. But I love you and I'm glad that you are enjoying this.

Mainly I will say that I'm posting this chapter to get it out of the way. Also I'm bored of the basement. I just decided right now that they're going out in the real world in the next chapter. I'm hoping it'll be easier to write smaller groups.

Or it'll be harder.

Whatever.

Also I have had a few people bugging me to update this who I would like to love down but a extra mention to Mandy whom will not allow me to forget that I have this darn cracky little gender swap fic I'm writing.

Lulz. Writing. Hilarious.

_**-GIRLS STUFF IS EASY/KURT-**_

Kurt sat at her vanity. Was it supposed to be ironic or the universe laughing in her new face that she'd never looked more at home there? Stereotypically speaking of course.

She could still hear them downstairs, the faint rumble of voices erupting in either laughter or anger. It was hard to tell which but the faint din at least confirmed they hadn't killed each other. It put her at ease enough to relax and study herself in the mirror, while her coloring had remained the same it did little to put her mind at rest regarding her old wardrobe choices. Many of her outfit options would be largely hindered by her new... chest. The bra donated by Santana was the only out of place thing on the dresser in front of her. She'd stared at it for at least 5 minutes before staring at herself had began.

Kurt, as a honorary girl in her old male life, was not new to the world of bras, make up and fashion. She knew how things worked and was probably the most well equipped for the change, except no amount of surrounding yourself with women prepared you for suddenly waking up as one. Last night she'd had a brief make out session with her boyfriend in the corner, out of sight. Now they might actually be a socially acceptable couple and...

_Oh sweet Gucci, Blaine._

Kurt was not crazy for already having issues about Blaines sexuality... after the Rachel fiasco anyway. On the one hand she obviously wanted her boyfriend to accept her for who she now was, then on the other hand a small part of her wanted Blaine to prefer her as a man, and overall she wasn't sure about telling him anyway.

Of course the omission route probably wasn't the best idea considering she had no idea how long she would be a she.

Kurt pushed the thought to the back of her mind as best she could to address more pressing matters. Like her new breasts and what clothes she wouldn't mind stretching out over them.

It was therefore completely understandable that it took her 15 minutes to get dressed even though she only changed into the bra and a sweater instead of her shirt. The skinny jeans did still fit after all.

She'd had almost returned to her normal flourish as she swayed back into the basement a total 30 minutes later. Of course in her effort to chose a outfit upstairs she hadn't noticed the noise die down, only to find herself now in the middle of a awkward silence.

"Did I miss something?"

Rachel's head snapped around so fast he might have got whiplash, "of course not, nothing happened. Why don't you come and sit down and we can discuss our plan of action".

Kurt raised a skeptical eyebrow as she made her way across the room into a seat next to Rachel, "are you sure? Whatever it is it can't be any worse than my indecent exposure".

Puck sat forward looking past Rachel with a grin, "I jacked off Berry in your bathroom".

"Rachel!", Kurt exclaimed and unconsciously inched a little away from him. He would expect this sort of sexual fluidity from Puckerman but Rachel Berry? _Virginal_ Rachel Berry?

He blushed furiously, "I had no control over the functions of my body and Noah was helping me to... I've never..."

"Can't resist me even as a chick", Puck said sitting back comfortably again.

Rachel raised a hand to his eyes and seemed to be willing the ground to open.

"How did you know?" Kurt stage whispered to Sam.

She seemed to be holding in the laughter herself as she replied, "trust me you could hear... noises and San kind of walked in on them".

"I couldn't control the noises as I'd never experienced... and we were finished when he walked in... without knocking!", Kurt could see Rachel getting more and more exasperated and flushed as he talked so she patted his shoulder lightly in a vain attempt to calm him.

While Kurt was glad everyone seemed to have forgotten her flashing the room she still felt bad as she could swear she heard Puck pointedly mumble "_you_ were finished" before Rachel groaned loudly. Taking pity on him Kurt finally chose to change the subject, "you mentioned a plan of action?"

"Well I was just hoping to not bring up the aforementioned bathroom incident", he paused to glare at Puck, "but we do need to come up with some idea of what we're going to do".

Quinn, who had been almost been too quiet spoke up, "I can't go home like this, my parents will sell me to the government for research or something and that's if they even believe I'm me". It was obvious as he spoke why he'd remained silent as he scowled at his own masculine voice.

Mike quickly chimed in though, "my mom will think it's some ancient Asian curse and start smacking it outta me... probably with bamboo or something".

"That's probably not far off Michael", Rachel replied smoothly, deep in thought as he said it.

"Kinky", Puck replied which earned him a elbow to the ribs from Mike.

"Thank you Mike, apparently I'm not allowed to physically reprimand her at the moment but I was more talking in regards to the curse. I'm just suggesting we consider every possibility".

"Are you serious diva? I'm all for avoiding our parents because they'll probably have us committed but curses?", Kurt asked slightly surprised by level headed Rachel's suggestion of voo doo.

He shrugged and Kurt saw a eerie resemblance to someone she couldn't quite put her finger on as Rachel continued to talk, "we need to explore every option. Let's face facts, we've all woken up this morning as opposite genders. I don't even think 'unusual' begins covers it".

The silence once again fell between them although rather than being awkward this time it felt more like everyone simply taking everything in. As much as Kurt didn't want to jump on the 'witchcraft' bandwagon she had to admit, their transformations could hardly be explained by a collective hangover.

"So let's say I agree with you, that we need to figure this out. What are we going to do about our parents?" Kurt asked carefully.

"Well yours are away for 2 weeks...", Santana began.

"And it would be wise to have a central base of operations", Rachel mused.

"No", Kurt said firmly.

"I don't know Kurt, maybe it would be a good idea to stick together", Finn added.

Great now her own stepsister was against her.

"No it's not happening and..." her argument trailed off as her pocket began to vibrate.

She knew, without even taking it from her pocket, that it was Blaine. He said he'd call and he'd never not called when he said he would.

The vibration seemed louder than normal forcing everyone to stare at her, adding to the tension, until Santana said angrily, "well answer it then".

At Santanas command Kurt's hand wrapped her phone on auto pilot pressing the answer button before thinking about the fact that her voice wasn't just high now, it was female.

**Kurt how are you feeling? **

Her eyes darted around at the normality of his voice, forgetting for a moment that he didn't _know_, "Fine, just fine. We eh, well Rachel and I made breakfast and... we're all fine".

The pause on the other end of the phone felt like a lifetime, or at least long enough for Puck and Finn to start mumbling between themselves about being hungry and for Puck to start poking Rachel demanding he feed her.

**Are you sure? You sound... off?**

She laughed while desperately trying to force the sound lower, "I'm fine. Everything is fine."

**Right. You're fine. Do you still want me to come over tonight?**

Kurt couldn't help the blush as she remembered the alone time they had planned for the evening having come up with the masterful deception of sending Finn to... well anywhere.

"No! Finn is sick, h-he's staying in and I've promised I'll look after her... him! And it's contagious and there's no point both of us risking our lives".

**Are you sure you're ok? I can tell when something is wrong you know and...**

"Sorry got to go I've left the stove on", she rushed out as she cut him off mid sentence and ended the call before throwing the offending device across the room.

"Smooth", Puck said his finger not stopping it's assault on Rachels arm.

"Do you think he suspects anything?" Rachel asked ignoring Pucks existence.

Kurt could only find it in herself to sigh admitting what she already knew, "he's probably already on his way over. I've never left the sotve on in my life".

"So you still like Blaine?" Finn asked suddenly drawing all of their eyes to him.

"Yes", Kurt replied not quite sure where he was going with this.

"But he's a dude and you're a girl now".

She almost laughed at the simplicity of Finn Hudson's mind. A simplicity that apparently hadn't been lost in the change from he to she. Kurt's eyebrows disappeared behind her new bangs regardless of being used to comments like this, "Let me ask you this Finn, do you like boys now?"

Her face scrunched up in distaste, "No offense or anything but no way"

Kurt grinned triumphantly despite the worrying situation they all found themselves in, with Blaine probably on his way, as she motioned to Finns body, "well then I guess you're the gay one now".


	5. That's Not A Boy

_**-A/N-**_

I really don't want the first thing I do here to be apologise so I'll say hello instead.

HEY GUISE. How are y'all doing?

Ok now what we've got that out of the way who's ready for their next dose of crack fic?

Good.

I'm not going to go into it too much as to why this took forever, but if you'd like to ask me that or anything else outside of reviews you can always hit me up with a PM or at my tumblr (suckmyberries).

Oh and reviewers, thank you so much. I love all you guys who dare to read this mess but to my reviewers a special thank you because you guise remind me that people are still reading and that yes I need to get off my butt (figuratively) and write some more. Me love you long time.

_**-THAT'S NOT A BOY/PUCK- **_

Puck was wedged between Finn and Rachel as they all tried (and failed) to stay quiet in the bed of her truck. Blaine's car had turned onto the street while they were all half way to the sidewalk, which hadn't given them time to lay down comfortably before he'd hopped out and hurried to the Hudson-Hummel front door. Puck grabbed the side of the truck with one hand, pulling her head up just enough to see Blaine rocking back and forth on his feet while waiting for someone to answer. She almost sniggered, nobody was gonna answer that door.

It had all happened pretty quickly after Kurt said Blaine was probably coming over. Kurt freaked and told them all to leave which was a shit ton of annoying with her new, _even_ higher pitched, voice. Then that set Satan off because he refused to go home with a dick and then he started speaking in tongues or Spanish or whatever. Puck just knew from experience you did not mess around with that.

If you ask her, which nobody did, it was a whole lot of white noise as everyone ran around like the world was ending. But while everyone else was crapping their pants Puck was the one who noticed that Kurt had gone all quiet and she just knew the look on that girls face. It was the look of a girl who wasn't planning on answering the door to her gay boyfriend.

It had been pretty damn obvious, everyone else was just too busy climbing out the attic windows to notice. Puck didn't know what was worse, that nobody thought about maybe just walking upstairs and going out the back door or the fact that everyone seemed to be ignoring how much paler Kurt was even if she did look calm. Then Finn went ahead and proved that maybe she still had a few crayons up her nose and said her clothes didn't fit and should she go try her moms on? Nobody paused to explain that Carole wasn't known for being a gigantor like Finn was so instead Sam just shook her head and pushed Finn towards the other teenagers scrambling to climb outside.

And because Puck did the right thing and payed attention to Kurt before she left that was somehow how she ended up with Finnessa on one side of her and Rachel-the-horn-dog Berry on the other side, in the back of her truck. That was without mentioning Sam who jumped in at the last minute and was currently laying, really fucking uncomfortably, across all their legs.

Three girls, a guy and a truck bed. If it were any other day Puck would probably use this situation to her advantage. Of course on any other day she'd of been the brains of the operation, and by brains she meant balls, and by balls she meant the one with the dick. Now she'd mentally opened that can of worms Puck just kinda figured that she'd have to get used to the idea of sex sooner or later. It may be a chicks body, well _her_ body, but it was the same brain and Puck was already getting withdrawal symptoms. Well she thought she was getting horny, Puck could only assume that's what sex withdrawal felt like for girls.

"Psst Rach?"

Rachel shhh-ed her before stealing a peak at Blaine. Puck didn't need to lift her head again to know the curly haired robin or swallow, whatever he called himself, was still waiting.

"Seriously", she whispered before elbowing him in the side. Either Sam or Finn, she wasn't paying attention, shout-whispered to them about being quiet while Rachel turned his head angrily, "what?"

"What does it feel like to be turned on?", she asked without a hint of anything other than curiosity. Well she was smirking just a little bit but that was like her wired in expression regardless of her gender. Of course Puck knew from experience what to look and feel for in a chick to tell if she was turned on, but there was obviously a difference between seeing and feeling it for herself. Plus she wasn't sure any of them would be happy if she stuck her fingers in her underwear to test her theory the way she knew how, even if she _really_ wanted to.

"Dude!" Finn said all of a sudden catching up with what she just asked.

"What? I need to know and Rach would know, even if he dated you".

"She dated me. When he was a she and..."

"Whatever", Puck said raising a hand to interrupt Finn defending her butt. "Point is that it's need to know info. And I need to know", she looked Finn up and down with a smirk, "not sure you need to know though budddddy".

What broke out next began with a punch from Finn followed by a pinch from Puck who muttered "you bitch chicks don't look good with bruises" as she did it. Before they knew it Rachel had one arm over Puck trying separate their now pinching fingers before they were all frozen in place by someone clearing their throat.

All three looked up in unison as apparently Sam had already been staring in horror at Blaine, who had one perfectly triangular eyebrow arched curiously while his brow scrunched in confusion at the top of his nose. "Would there be a reason that you're laying in the bed of this truck, that I happen to know isn't yours, outside my boyfriends house?"

Puck scoffed at the not yours comment, this was her baby after all, but all it did was turn the confusion in Blaine's face to suspicion for a split second. Puck figured it only lasted a second because if Blaine was even close to guessing what had really happened he'd never believe it.

Well that's what Puck thought until Blaine almost knowingly asked "who are you?"

She wasn't sure but she swears she heard Sam squeak and she knows the girlish gasp was from Finn. What Puck wasn't expecting was the cool look on Rachel's face as he pulled himself up and jumped sturdily from the truck to the sidewalk where he towered over Blaine. Puck figured it mighta been the first time Rachel has towered over anyone ever, not that Blaine was a tall guy by anyones standards.

"I don't see what business it is of yours..." Puck shuffled over in Rachels line of sight but behind Blaine, motioning for him to be tougher and Rachel trailed off before nodding and clearing his throat. "Is it your truck?", Puck could practically hear the Rachel trying to lower his voice.

"Well no but I happen to know who owns-", Blaine stepped back as Rachel stepped forward.

"-well I suggest you... I mean keep your nose out". Rachel caught himself again but it was then that the door to the Hudson Hummel home flew open and a female shriek exited long before a very female Kurt Hummel ran out.

Her finger was poised before she even made it to Rachel, jabbing him in the chest once she arrived, "I said get out and keep a low profile, I did not say bully and threaten the man that I love".

That's when Berry apparently decided that if she was going down by the hand of Hummel, he was taking her with him.

"It was Pucks idea. She was making faces behind him telling me to be tough". It was less than a second after he finished talking when his hand clapped over his mouth as he realized what he'd said. They all looked on, horrorstruck, at Blaine whose jaw was now hanging wide open as he stared unashamedly at Puck.

If Puck wasn't sure Blaine was gay and completely confident that she was really hot as a chick then she might have told him to stop fucking staring. As it happened though she just stared right back at him, watching him connect the dots.

"You're Puck?", Blaine spluttered.

"Obviously", she said back reflexively against the chorus of "No"s from everyone else.

"This is some sort of joke", he attempted to smile even though it more looked like he was going to puke a lung.

"We all wish it was", Puck bit back crossing her arms over her moderate rack. Yes she was hot but she was still a little disappointed in her boobs.

Blaine swung around casting a quick glance over them all taking a step back as he spoke, "no this is a joke. What are you actors? What are they hazing the new boyfriend? Did they pull in some favors with the theatre group? Or are you all just random kids who'll do anything for money...?"

Puck watched as Blaine looked like he was having a stroke or something, spluttering out more questions even though no one had answered him and eventually falling to his knees altogether. Kurt looked like she was about to faint but then she fell forward instead of back, hugging Blaine and carefully whispering something in his ear.

She almost felt bad watching Blaine stare at Kurt like that, all confused and struggling to understand. Hummel just kinda sat there with him holding his hands and trying not to cry. All in all shit got real awkward real fast for the rest of them, which was almost impressive considering she'd jacked off Rachel like less an hour ago.

After a few silent minutes Puck was about to crawl out the truck bed and suggest (with some shoving) that they take it inside when Blaine cupped Kurt's cheek with his hand and whispered "Kurt, it's really you?"

All she did was let out a choked breath and nod before they hugged each other. On their knees. On the lawn. In front of the goddamn house.

Puck had to hand it to him, Anderson was smooth.

However she rolled her eyes when she looked over to see a sappy smile on Rachel's watery face, "it's so romantic!" he blubbered.

She reached out and punched him in the arm for his troubles, "don't cry out here, someone might see those arms and think you're me. Just pull yourself together and let's go."

Kurt managed to tear herself away to look at Puck with the same confusion that was usually plastered on Finns face. Sam was too busy holding her new lady parts and dancing around because she needed to pee but it was Rachel that actually asked "where are we going?"

Oh was she glad Rachel asked.

"Isn't it obvious Rach? I'm going to raid your panties drawer obviously" she said with a grin she she slipped her hand onto Rachels shoulder and used him as leverage to jump out of the truck bed on to grass. She was a lot more graceful than she had expected to be.

Kurt snorted which was the most unladylike thing he'd ever done, like ever, and Finn laughed.

Puck shrugged at him, "come on you don't expect me to walk around in this dress...", she yanked at the neckline with her free hand for effect, "without any underwear on. Commando used to be fun but now every time I feel that breeze I just think some strapping boy with guns of steel and a heart of gold is just waiting to sneak a peek."

Maybe she shouldn't have nudged Rachel as she said it because apparently it was all too much for Sam who laughed and then ran for the open front door and probably the bathroom. Finn giggled and blushed but Puck seemed to be the only one to notice Rachel's one balled up hand by his side. He was learning restraint well it seemed.

The fist awkwardly uncurled as he stamped his foot and grumbled his way to the drivers door, "I like that dress... she shouldn't have offered to help me with my situation... if she thinks she's going thorough MY underwear drawer".

Puck was about to remind him to call it a boner and not a 'situation' when she realized where Berry was headed and she just had to ask "Ehh where are you going?"

Apparently the look on Pucks face cheered him up, "I don't know if you noticed Noah, but you've lost a considerable number of inches recently, and no I don't mean your... your thing", he waved a hand about as he talked either trying to motion to her missing dick or trying to grab the word out of thin air, Puck wasn't 100% on which. "Granted you're not as short as I was but you're still too short to drive this monster truck as it's currently set up. So it looks like you're riding shotgun if you want to visit my wardrobe... and nothing else".

Puck was only half joking before but as she hauled herself round to the passenger side Puck vowed that she was definitely getting into Berry's panties, even though Berry wouldn't be in them at the time.


End file.
